So it would appear I have been putting off writing this as it was my 6 year cancerversary on the 19th of January and my check up nearly 2 weeks ago.
I know there is a lot I want to say, but have gone blank..... isn't the mind good at self protection...
I've been a bit of a wreck . Christmas wasn't really a break as I got home exhausted after the term ended and both parents had the nasty flu virus. I escaped it as I had it in October instead. Ironically the week after I refused the flu jab.....
So when I got home instead of being a complete child and expecting everything to be done for me, I had to do everything whilst the parents were bed bound. It would have been ok had the last few weeks of term not been manic with a nasty essay and exam deadline. I also had an essay due and an exam on the 7th January, so I think I only had Christmas Day and Boxing Day off. This meant that I was exhausted when I got home, continued to be exhausted and couldn't take time off to-recharge. I then started to not sleep properly. I was getting around 7/8 hours a night, which is fine for a 'normal' person, for me it is not. I ideally need between 10 and 12 hours. After about a week at home I noticed pain in my legs. I was thrown back to when I was newly diagnosed and was highly intolerant to the chemo I was on then and ignored by my consultant, as the beginning pain was the same. This then meant that I was sleeping even less.
Exam and essay done and I'm still not sleeping properly, I am sleeping a bit better. I am now overwhelmed with the amount of work to be done this term.
Next major essay is due in the same week as an exam for which I have to hand in an extensive reading list of everything I have read to prepare for it. I can next have a day off the week beginning the 18th March.
I had my check up 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I walk into my consultants room and begin to explain how I've been and start crying. This is the first time this has happened in the 5 years I have been seeing her and am now the owner of some Lorazepam. I haven't taken any....yet. I have been blood typed for the protein injection trial and the hospital should find out tomorrow if I'm a match or not. If I'm not, the halving my drug dosage for a year and then hopefully coming off it trial should be starting around July/August.
There is someone on my course who constantly whinges about having migraines and had an hour's one on one bodywork session with a tutor on Monday to help make her feel better. I am very close to telling her to 'shut the fuck up and go home if you feel like that. Try dealing with fucking CANCER!'
I thought this would be much more about how I'm feeling than the rather removed and distance post it has been. Maybe everything is just a bit raw at the moment to get close to.
I'm still exhausted - can't really remember how if feels not to be tired. I'm sick of having to juggle my life and to not have a social life because after uni I can't face it. I'm just a bit sick of it all now, I'm 28, young and single meant to be having the time of my life in London and I'm so restricted. It's just all a bit shit really. I'm still living in a parallel world and I'm bored of it. Life is passing me by and I can't fully join in and it's not fair. I'm so angry about it all and then feel so guilty because I'm still here and so many aren't. I recently found out a girl I did a TCT photo shoot with a while ago is now terminal and she is younger than me. And I wouldn't change it, not the diagnosis because it's made me, me. It's just time to move on and to come off the drugs. It's all I want. Such a small ask. Then I can stop mourning the life I lost and begin living again.
I left school 10 years ago this July. If you asked me where I would in 10 years, I would never ever have remotely guessed it's where I am now. I forever live in hope. Maybe 2013 will be my year.
XxX
